14 November 2012

Me And My Shadow.


Believe me when I say, the thought of a day free from childcare and general 'mummy duties' is something I have dreamed about for a while. A whole day to myself? Not a dirty nappy or cheese encrusted highchair in sight. Bliss.

Or so I thought.

Monday marked the end of the recent campaign I have been working on and I packed Willow off to nursery as normal. I was so excited at the prospect of a free house. I couldn't wait to relax and do nothing for a whole seven hours. I was giddy at the prospect.

On arriving home I assumed the position on the sofa, flicked on the telly and opened the laptop. What shall I do? What shall I watch? What shall I read? The possibilities were endless. To venture out of the house would, in my eyes, been a waste. I didn't want to run errands, I didn't want to get on top of the house work. I wanted to just be. Free of responsibility and grown up stuff.

Only, as the morning dwindled away in a social networking haze, I started to feel a little low. More than that actually. I felt lonely. I was bored. 

What? WHAT?

How could I not be enjoying this? Time to myself I something I've craved since dear Willow was born. Why couldn't I relax? I used to be so good at vegging out. Professional, some might say. "Right", I thought, "Who are you and what have you done with Alice?"

I felt incredibly guilty for not using the time productively. I had thousand things running around my brain. Things I should be doing. Not only that, but the house felt empty. Vacuous. Devoid of noise. I didn't like it. Feel free to vom, when I tell you the next bit, but I actually missed Willow. I felt lost without her.

Though I resisted the relationship in the early weeks of Willow's life, she is now so much a part of me. Like a limb. A really hilarious, amazing limb. I just don't feel the same without her around. I dont know what I am supposed to do if I'm not looking after her. She is my companion, my sidekick. 

I tell you, it's news to me. I have spent most of my time as a mother, attempting to claw back peices of me that exsisted before child. Getting back to the 'old me' was the main goal, but that person doesn't exsist anymore. I am Willow's mum and I am happiest when I am with her. We are both at our best when we are together.

I know how it sounds. Most of you will now be thinking that I need to get a life, but it just goes to show how much parenthood can change a person. I'm more surprised than anybody.

3 comments:

  1. I don't think you need to get a life at all. Somedays I don't remember the childless me and I wonder, what did I do with all my time? Today at work a guy said "God, you look tired. You need to sleep Karis, like go away for a weekend and relax". I thought and said "yeah wouldn't that be sooo nice but then I'll be bored after 2 hours and want to go home and see my family"

    I'm only 26!! Parenthood defo changes a gal and boy (perhaps).
    Cute picture x

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  2. Totally get that!! I'm getting more used to it now Ethan's been at preschool for a while and I'm at home by myself, but it takes some time. When I do decide to just have a few hours doing nothing it just feels..wrong! x

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